T-Minus Seventy Nine Days

I'm off schedule this week; things have been hectic. It isn't that work is taking up all of my time, all twenty two hours of it, or that my mind is lost in the world of writing and drawing and all of that genius sorts of things. I wish that were the excuse, especially today, but, unfortunately, we just aren't that lucky - I am just not that lucky.

'Avatar' came out on the 18th. If you've spoken to me at all about it, you'll know my opinion well: the movie was a masterpiece. People are complaining a white guy saved them (seriously?) and that there are no gay natives in the film (are you fucking KIDDING me?) but - it is simply gorgeous. The story and character development live up to the CG, it had me on the edge of the seat both times I've seen it and, yes, I am planning to see it again. 3D by myself and then on IMAX 3D with Ashley. At least

It's the reason for my silence.

At the end of the movie, the first time I saw it, I was crying. I was crying because of the emotions I experienced, how well the story linked together, the meaning behind it all, what these people and so many years brought to life... And the knowledge that I will never, ever write anything as brilliant or original as the movie I had just seen on the screen.

It's taken me over three days to realize just why I will never do anything like that. The answer was stupidly simple: I've read my own writing, I know what I can and can't do, and I've always known deep in my heart that my words will never come out as they are in my head.

'Write what you know'. What do I know? I've been in this town since I was conceived, lived on the same block since I was six. I haven't lived. I haven't done anything. If something doesn't change, and soon, while I still have the nerve, I never will.

To anyone who wonders why I'm making this move all of a sudden: this isn't some whim of a girl in her twenties. I'd be smoking pot and fucking anything that struck my fancy if that were the case. This is about sanity. The move is about me being able to find that muse to write and be brilliant.

There's still hope, buried deeper than the knowledge of impending failure. It's hope that I can over come my artistic shortcomings and pull off the novel I've been working on for three years just how I want it to end, written how I imagine it, with characters as rich as those who are in my head.

So here's to sanity, to hope, to the muse that I'm crossing my fingers to. Go see the goddamn movie and pray for me.