Every so often, a person has a breakdown. I'm not talking of the sort of breakdown that leads to slit wrists and emo tears that leave black, black tear trails as dark as your soul. Those breakdowns don't lead to revelations and thoughts that make a person try to think of things that are beyond their normal conventions.
I believe, truly, that these things have a reason behind them. A rational man will never be able to accuse me of being a religious person; my system of belief doesn't exactly match with those of mainstream religions. 'Dogma' may have been a satire but in that spoof of modern thought processes there is a jewel of wisdom: You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.
It's true. I like to think of an idea as something formless but still necessary to life, like oxygen. Everyone has ideas, don't you think? Even the most straight laced of Christians have their own ideas and interpretations of the Bible whether they admit it or not.
When beliefs come into play, it tends to come across like a hurricane that fails to die after it leaves the water and goes onto land. They rip down anything in their paths, fully visible to the naked eye and terrifying those who don't go with it. It is terribly, horribly dangerous to go and throw everything that is you into the hurricane. The sheer force will rip you apart.
Then, sometimes, just sometimes, there can be a change in the air. I don't want to say that it's exactly an idea becoming a belief so much as an idea becoming more visible, a strong breeze in the middle of the forest whipping through the leaves just quick enough for you to think you may have seen the light blue of it all.
Never say you can't see the invisible! Just because oxygen doesn't show up when you breathe (winter aside) it doesn't mean that you can't see it. Pretending that the lack of evidence means that the item in question does not exist is simply stupid. There are too many things out there that are unexplainable and unattainable to brush off.
Revelations and breakdowns have a lot in common. Both of them come with emotional walls being kicked down, quite possibly with tears and screaming involved. This isn't always the case, as long as we keep Siddhartha in mind, but they always have a purpose. It can be as simple as the need to vent, to release stress in a manner that doesn't hurt yourself. Other times, it's a way to get in touch with what may or may not be important to you through prayer, pain, pleasure, or any other ways to center a person.
When those breakdowns come, one shouldn't assume they're crazy. Take faith in what your ideas/beliefs may be. Whatever is felt is genuine. Embrace the 'crazy', my loves.
Something good is going to happen.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
T-Minus Forty Seven Days
Yesterday was fantastic! Mom was healing well from her surgery, I was able to get a very nice, very cheap but expensive looking two piece suit for interviews, and work went well. Then came the car accident.
I rear ended someone so as far as the state of Florida is concerned, I am at fault. Luckily, the woman is just fine (I don't think she was wearing her seat belt) and her car, a gigantic pick up truck, was only scratched. Everything that happened to her is purely plastic.
My car on the other hand has a crumbled hood, a burst radiator, the glass in the lights are out (although they still work, oddly enough). The gentleman at the repair shop said it looked worse than it actually is. I'm not hurt at all, just sore, tired, and cranky. The police officer looked as if he didn't want to give me the citation but, again, according to the state the crash was my fault.
It happened in rush hour. The other woman and I weren't going fast at all (I was barely clocking thirty eight). We were both slowing down in order to go into the turn lane that had been coming up. It was a bit stop and go, so I was getting even further back than one 'normally' would in the situation. Had it continued to be stop and go, we would have been fine, nothing would have happened.
However, she stopped cold. I'm talking her foot went to the floor, she stopped dead in the road. My foot slammed down as well. I had two choices in the span of five seconds: swerve and hit her still, ripping a huge hole in my car and go over a huge concrete hump, possibly going into a deep crevice or hit her straight on.
I hit her straight on. Hindsight, had I swerved, my car would have been worse off and I could very possibly been hurt very badly, even with my seat belt securely in place.
My parents showed up and once the status was put on my Facebook I received no less than three phone calls and multiple text messages/IMs. When checking my DeviantArt, there were four comments complimenting the short I had just posted. All of that made the day better.
Today, Dad and I went to the insurance company, repair shop, we filed our claim and put through my new registration. I was grumpy as hell, despite having passed out at an extremely early time and dozing for about three hours throughout the night. I'm better now, having ingested tea and gotten back into my home.
Poor Minion. We're still finding out what's going to be going down with that.
That said, I'm still planning on an Etsy account, depending on what sort of shipping options I can find. The one I used to get Beth her stuff STILL hasn't arrived and thus I dislike it. Her reaction will tell me if I can or cannot pull it off. Love you madly, Beth! :D Be a picky creature with them.
It's been suggested I put up my paypal account up. I'm not expecting jack from anyone, feel no obligation, but the person who suggested reads this and would get grumpy if I didn't do it. :P My paypal account address is nozomi_ga_kanau@hotmail.com If someone DOES decide to throw a few sheckles, call it a 'gift'.
See you all later. Hope everyone has a better weekend than myself! Heh.
I rear ended someone so as far as the state of Florida is concerned, I am at fault. Luckily, the woman is just fine (I don't think she was wearing her seat belt) and her car, a gigantic pick up truck, was only scratched. Everything that happened to her is purely plastic.
My car on the other hand has a crumbled hood, a burst radiator, the glass in the lights are out (although they still work, oddly enough). The gentleman at the repair shop said it looked worse than it actually is. I'm not hurt at all, just sore, tired, and cranky. The police officer looked as if he didn't want to give me the citation but, again, according to the state the crash was my fault.
It happened in rush hour. The other woman and I weren't going fast at all (I was barely clocking thirty eight). We were both slowing down in order to go into the turn lane that had been coming up. It was a bit stop and go, so I was getting even further back than one 'normally' would in the situation. Had it continued to be stop and go, we would have been fine, nothing would have happened.
However, she stopped cold. I'm talking her foot went to the floor, she stopped dead in the road. My foot slammed down as well. I had two choices in the span of five seconds: swerve and hit her still, ripping a huge hole in my car and go over a huge concrete hump, possibly going into a deep crevice or hit her straight on.
I hit her straight on. Hindsight, had I swerved, my car would have been worse off and I could very possibly been hurt very badly, even with my seat belt securely in place.
My parents showed up and once the status was put on my Facebook I received no less than three phone calls and multiple text messages/IMs. When checking my DeviantArt, there were four comments complimenting the short I had just posted. All of that made the day better.
Today, Dad and I went to the insurance company, repair shop, we filed our claim and put through my new registration. I was grumpy as hell, despite having passed out at an extremely early time and dozing for about three hours throughout the night. I'm better now, having ingested tea and gotten back into my home.
Poor Minion. We're still finding out what's going to be going down with that.
That said, I'm still planning on an Etsy account, depending on what sort of shipping options I can find. The one I used to get Beth her stuff STILL hasn't arrived and thus I dislike it. Her reaction will tell me if I can or cannot pull it off. Love you madly, Beth! :D Be a picky creature with them.
It's been suggested I put up my paypal account up. I'm not expecting jack from anyone, feel no obligation, but the person who suggested reads this and would get grumpy if I didn't do it. :P My paypal account address is nozomi_ga_kanau@hotmail.com If someone DOES decide to throw a few sheckles, call it a 'gift'.
See you all later. Hope everyone has a better weekend than myself! Heh.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Interlude
I'm scared to leave. I need a job there. It's freaking me out. Can't stay here but - nng.
To search continues.
/emo
To search continues.
/emo
Sunday, January 17, 2010
T-Minus Fifty One Days
This wasn't in zoom! Ha! I was right up near this silly little peacock at Busch Gardens. He seemed completely at ease with people around him. It was rather cool.
Lies had been told about last Sundays lack of photo update. Friday evening and Saturday were two very absorbing days to the point where the thought of getting it down made my head hurt.
Basically, my mother was admitted into the hospital on Saturday morning, I walked out on work that afternoon without being fired, and she just got home yesterday.
I came home from work Friday night to her on the couch in pain. We both thought it was the stomach flu, as my little sister and her boyfriend had just gotten over the same thing. According to my mom, it felt like her insides were seizing up and hurt worse than childbirth. She retreated to the bathroom to sit on the ground and kick at the wall whereas I went straight to Google.
The results? Ovarian cyst, intestinal blockage, or diverticulitis. As she's already had surgery for her diverticulitis and her ovaries removed, I voted for a blockage. Mother said no, couldn't be, and so we waited another thirty minutes. Finally, finally she agreed to go with me to the ER.
Fast forward three hours and it's 1 AM. We get seen and a room because we know a nurse there (a lovely young lady, by the by). Mom is still in pain, I'm falling asleep and worried because it hadn't stopped by one in the morning, and then the news comes back:
Intestinal Blockage.
Have to admit it, internet - I did a little fist pump. Mom didn't believe me when we were at home because Google apparently doesn't know anything. We chilled out at the hospital until the doctors told us Mom was being admitted because surgery may be a factor (hurrah for the now-present NG Tube) - I left the place around three when my sister and her puppy showed up.
Things happened at work the next day that resulted in me leaving the office and my boss angry. This is the internet so all you need to know is that things were said to me and I chose to remove myself from the situation when the opportunity presented itself. It. Felt. Good. Let it be known that I may be a pushover, easily forced into doing things, but I will never let someone tell me I don't have the right to speak out against slander. Human rights ho! Oppression be damned.
All in all, life was crazy. Lunch with the grandparents, sister, sisters boyfriend, and father was good, even though I was in a horrible mood and rather grumpy. Worrying about my job status two months before moving and mother being in the hospital meant I acted like a complete bitch.
Also, I have decided to not put a set schedule on my blog posts. I had something all written out but by the time the next Tuesday rolled around, it had become an irrelevant topic (my teeth and lack of money for them, I believe).
Putting on weight. Will diet, try to exercise.
I'm going to miss my pets once I move. No one has made an offer on Shredder, which is... upsetting. My mother refuses to keep and/or feed him once I'm gone and I'll be moving into a place with two kittens, let alone the cross-country trip that will last for days in mid-winter. Granted I'm driving the southern route but - I just don't know.
Sigh. Life is officially going to get crazy! HOO-RAH. Let's just pray it isn't as crazy as this last week and a half.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
T Minus Sixty Two Days
We're getting close, O Blog! Close to the day of running and screaming and trying to get things working before I scoot it off to California. News from there is interesting, with my future roommate starting her times in the police Academy. She's doing well, apparently, although I never doubted this. She's a strong girl, will make an excellent officer.
Beth leaving meant that I get sick. I'm chalking it to exhaustion, as we've been running around like mad for the last week, I've been getting little sleep with much more activity than I usually participate in and all while in a much colder, people-filled environment that I am used to.
It's frackin' COLD here in Florida. We're getting chuckles from those up North who says they're used to it and that we're wusses, ecetera, but, seriously. This is one of the most tropical places in the United States. We are currently in the coldest winter in almost fifteen years. It's nuts - us delicate Floridians are trying to toughen up as quickly as poossible.
I woke up to frost. Are you kidding me?!
My head hurts.
Busch Gardens and Sea World were lovely! Beth and I puttered around alone the first two days (where all my pictures are from) and then we were joined by Ashley and her boyfriend AJ. After a brief few moments of panic upon realizing I had lost my two-week pass, we meandered into the park to celebrate my 23rd birthday with some pretense of style.
This involved Beth getting sniffed up by the male hyena through three inches of glass in the hyena exhibit. And, of course, me being able to stare into the eyes of the female hyena. She jumped onto the back of the display car and I crawled through the front of it. We stared at one another through the glass.
E.P.I.C. I started gleeing as soon as she scooted away, presumably towards her dinner.
But, the beginning!
Ybor was lovely, if confusing as hell to get out of. Being the historical district, the sights of it were something constructed in times before Florida was awesome or something akin to that. There were a lot of little restraunts and even more nightclubs,none of which we wandered into. We went shopping in a few small (assumed locally owned) shops. I purchased a skirt, a cute little tiered thing, and ended up getting my horribly long hair chopped off.
A bob it be! While the stylist originally didn't want to do the cut asked of her (as it was left in Beths hands, with my upmost trust) but when she did, it came out adorable. Quite pleased with it. Beth had her hair colored! While I think it's quite flattering, it isn't 'orange-y' enough for her and will probably be re-dyed before I get my butt out there. That tale has nothing to do with the photos. I'm finding it hard to care.
I forced fried food down her throat at some point. Beth was dismayed at the sheer amount of styrofoam present at this meal, along with the vast array of fried deliciousness in front of her.
My only commentary on the situation: "Welcome to Florida."
Welcome indeed.
This post will be continued on Sunday! Now it is time for my sick to re-coup and for work in the morn. Sleep well, my friends.
-Erin
Beth leaving meant that I get sick. I'm chalking it to exhaustion, as we've been running around like mad for the last week, I've been getting little sleep with much more activity than I usually participate in and all while in a much colder, people-filled environment that I am used to.
It's frackin' COLD here in Florida. We're getting chuckles from those up North who says they're used to it and that we're wusses, ecetera, but, seriously. This is one of the most tropical places in the United States. We are currently in the coldest winter in almost fifteen years. It's nuts - us delicate Floridians are trying to toughen up as quickly as poossible.
I woke up to frost. Are you kidding me?!My head hurts.
Busch Gardens and Sea World were lovely! Beth and I puttered around alone the first two days (where all my pictures are from) and then we were joined by Ashley and her boyfriend AJ. After a brief few moments of panic upon realizing I had lost my two-week pass, we meandered into the park to celebrate my 23rd birthday with some pretense of style.
This involved Beth getting sniffed up by the male hyena through three inches of glass in the hyena exhibit. And, of course, me being able to stare into the eyes of the female hyena. She jumped onto the back of the display car and I crawled through the front of it. We stared at one another through the glass.
E.P.I.C. I started gleeing as soon as she scooted away, presumably towards her dinner.
But, the beginning!
Ybor was lovely, if confusing as hell to get out of. Being the historical district, the sights of it were something constructed in times before Florida was awesome or something akin to that. There were a lot of little restraunts and even more nightclubs,none of which we wandered into. We went shopping in a few small (assumed locally owned) shops. I purchased a skirt, a cute little tiered thing, and ended up getting my horribly long hair chopped off. 
A bob it be! While the stylist originally didn't want to do the cut asked of her (as it was left in Beths hands, with my upmost trust) but when she did, it came out adorable. Quite pleased with it. Beth had her hair colored! While I think it's quite flattering, it isn't 'orange-y' enough for her and will probably be re-dyed before I get my butt out there. That tale has nothing to do with the photos. I'm finding it hard to care.
I forced fried food down her throat at some point. Beth was dismayed at the sheer amount of styrofoam present at this meal, along with the vast array of fried deliciousness in front of her.
My only commentary on the situation: "Welcome to Florida."
Welcome indeed.
This post will be continued on Sunday! Now it is time for my sick to re-coup and for work in the morn. Sleep well, my friends.
-Erin
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
T-Minus Sixty Four Days
People sometimes give me flack for being online so often. It's not healthy, I don't get out and do all the things a normal person should, etc, etc. while this is very true for many people, it's an escape for me.
I know I've mentioned this about ten million times, but I have Bipolar Disorder Atypical. It includes depression, a disassociative disorder, suicidal tendancies, some paranoia, social anxiety, and a fuckload of self-esteem issues. The internet is my escape.
So when people get shitty at me for forgetting something that takes five minutes to correct and is out of the norm, it sucks for me. In fact, being shot at verbally and on the turn of a dime is one of the major reasons why I'm leaving. Fact is that these shots come mostly from a person close to me where I am stuck in close contact with for long periods of time.
I need to leave. I need to get out of here and I'm itching to get out now. I am tired of this. Information and pictures from Beth comes Thursday. (Beth, by the way, has been absolutely lovely.)
-Erin
I know I've mentioned this about ten million times, but I have Bipolar Disorder Atypical. It includes depression, a disassociative disorder, suicidal tendancies, some paranoia, social anxiety, and a fuckload of self-esteem issues. The internet is my escape.
So when people get shitty at me for forgetting something that takes five minutes to correct and is out of the norm, it sucks for me. In fact, being shot at verbally and on the turn of a dime is one of the major reasons why I'm leaving. Fact is that these shots come mostly from a person close to me where I am stuck in close contact with for long periods of time.
I need to leave. I need to get out of here and I'm itching to get out now. I am tired of this. Information and pictures from Beth comes Thursday. (Beth, by the way, has been absolutely lovely.)
-Erin
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